Wild

Went to the 西宁青藏高原野生动物园 (Xīníng qīngzàng gāoyuán yěshēng dòngwùyuán) or the “Xining Zoo” or more accurately “Xining Wild Animal Park” or even more accurately “Xining Tibetan Plateau Wild Animal Park” or for the truly pedantic “Xining Qinghai & Tibetan Plateau Wild Animal Park.”

The park or zoo or whatever combines several of the Chinese people’s favorite things:  animals, incarceration, and relieving the burgeoning middle class of their disposable income.

Some of the trash cans were shaped like penguins.
Some of the penguins were sick on green cotton candy.  Now, Beloved Reader, if you liked terrible nighttime wildlife photography, get ready to tolerate some terrible daytime wildlife photography!

First up was the Waterfowl Lake.  Now, why someone would be-fowl their own lake is beyond me.  (They can’t all be gems, people.  Bare with me.  Or should I say “bear” with me?  Note to self:  move picture of bear to right after this joke.)

I sincerely hope there is a sign written in animal on the other side which reads “Pleasedon’tchasethehumans.”

The leopard says, “Soon…”  The black leopard says, “Soon…”
The snow leopard says, “Meh, the other leopards have got this.”  

As I believe I’ve made quite clear, both ostriches…
…and emu are fucking dinosaurs and ought to be treated as such.  
“Niú!” shouted a little girl.  “I know that word!” shouted David.

Obligatory “horny” joke here.  (A real missed opportunity to use “insert” instead of “obligatory,” if you ask me.)  
Poetry is everywhere.  
There was a system of gantries overlooking the most dangerous (and therefore most interesting) animals.
Actually, based on staring, I’d say the order of interesting animals goes:

1. Dangerous animals
2. Cute animals
3. Me

The lions say, “What did the leopards say?  Are we doing this?”

A bear.  Possibly high.  
A wolf.  Possibly suffering from ennui.

See, I feel like you can violate rule three by violating rule one or rule two.

The tiger says, “Leave me out of this.” This tiger says, “Don’t turn around.”
“The black leopard is right behind you!”  

All the signposts were in Chinese, English, and Tibetan.  Oh, and icon.  Can something be “in icon” or is that just “iconic”?  These are the things I spend my time dwelling on.

In Mandarin, “good hippopotamus” (hǎo hémǎ) and “tastes good?” (hǎo hē ma?) sound a lot alike.  When Eli would have Xiaohan try a new cocktail, he would ask her “Good hippo?”  This cute anecdote would make zero impression on the world’s saddest hippopotamus.

Hidden in every crack of this fake rock wall is a monkey.
Like this one.  Or like this baby one, swinging on a swing.

A Bactrian camel, like this one, has two humps whereas a Dromedary only has one.  Here’s a handy mnemonic for remembering that:  “Bactrian” sounds like “Back to the Future” which had two sequels.  You’re welcome.

I knew I was off the beaten track when I went to a zoo and was the only white person.  In fact, it wasn’t until my third day in Xining that I saw any other non-Asian.  (At the hotel buffet.)