Tag Archives: #depression

Cyclothymia

Posted on May 5, 2019 by d4vid

A wise therapist I saw for many years once mentioned—almost in passing—that I was “cyclothymic”.  I didn’t really grok what he was saying at the time and I’m not sure what made me think to look it up now, but … Continue reading →

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Passive

Posted on April 2, 2019 by d4vid

This essay by Anna Borges really resonated with me.  (No one freak out, please.  Like her, I’m trying to explain a feeling here, not express an intention.) The notion of “passing driftwood” was something I particularly identified with.  Looking forward … Continue reading →

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Counterproductive

Posted on March 21, 2019 by d4vid

Life in Early 21st Century Middle Class America Life on Earth Nature Have my genes equipped me to survive in this culture? Have my genes equipped me to survive in ANY culture? Nurture Has my upbringing equipped me to survive … Continue reading →

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Antaean

Posted on January 30, 2019 by d4vid

In Greek mythology, Antaeus was the son of Poseidon and Gaia.  He could never be defeated in wrestling because every time he was thrown to the ground, contact with his mother, the earth, revitalized him.  (Heracles was the one who … Continue reading →

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Collapse

Posted on January 28, 2019 by d4vid

Hydrogen is the most abundant element in the universe, so hydrogen fusion is a cheap source of energy for (main-sequence) stars.  As hydrogen runs out in a star’s core, it resorts to slightly more expensive helium fusion. When the outward … Continue reading →

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Trap

Posted on May 22, 2018 by d4vid

Sometimes existence feels like being born into a bear trap.

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Delight & Melancholy

Posted on April 4, 2018 by d4vid

Driving down a lonely New Mexico highway at dusk listening to “Wicked Game” filled me with a Lynchian sense of melancholy. My favorite feeling is delight.  But I’ve also always found a certain delight in melancholy.  Not all melancholy, perhaps, but … Continue reading →

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Escape

Posted on February 17, 2018 by d4vid

The more I think about it, the more I believe that there is always a choice.  A choice between escape and reality. Escape can take many, many different forms, but reality is the thing that won’t go away.

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Hole

Posted on November 5, 2017 by d4vid

This week, I stumbled on a metaphor for how I’ve been feeling about life: I have this hole inside of me.  The hole is despair.  It’s painful to look at the hole — or even think about it — and … Continue reading →

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Nosedive

Posted on October 18, 2017 by d4vid

I told my therapist today that I felt like I had pulled out of my existential nosedive into nigh-suicidal abject despair & nihilism. Now I feel like I’m just wrestling with what I called “generic North American midlife crisis.” That … Continue reading →

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Kind

Posted on October 17, 2017 by d4vid

Patton Oswalt’s new Netflix comedy special Annihilation dropped today.  He talked about the ongoing argument he and his late wife would have:  He’d muse that the universe may have some latticework of logic & meaning and she’d insist that it’s … Continue reading →

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Assurances II

Posted on October 11, 2017 by d4vid

DAVID:  Sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting to die. DEBBIE:  That is dark. DAVID (trying to be reassuring):  I mean, I’m patiently waiting.

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Diplomacy

Posted on October 8, 2017 by d4vid

Usually, I’m extremely careful with my words choices and always strive to select le mot juste.  However, I realize that I’ve been sloppy by throwing the word “depression” around.  Let me clarify. Technically, “depression” is a flatness of affect where … Continue reading →

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Diligence

Posted on October 8, 2017 by d4vid

For almost all of the last fifteen years, I’ve been on antidepressants prescribed by my doctor.  (Briefly Prozac at the start and then Wellbutrin.)  Recently, I reviewed my prescription with a psychiatrist specializing in addiction medicine.  After discussing how I’ve … Continue reading →

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Orchid

Posted on October 1, 2017 by d4vid

Years before Sarah Silverman decided not to have children, she mentioned her reluctance to have biological children because she may pass on the depression that runs in her family.  Depression is highly heritable. In my darkest moments, I’ve wondered if suicidal … Continue reading →

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