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Category Archives: L.A.
Orchid
Years before Sarah Silverman decided not to have children, she mentioned her reluctance to have biological children because she may pass on the depression that runs in her family. Depression is highly heritable. In my darkest moments, I’ve wondered if suicidal … Continue reading
Gravity
Another analogy that I used with my therapist at Kaiser is that my sense of nihilism is like a force of gravity, constantly tugging at me. And I burn a lot of energy just trying to keep from being pulled … Continue reading
Ember
I was telling my therapist at Kaiser that I have this tiny ember of hope about life and I keep casting around looking for kindling, hoping that I can keep it burning and making it self-sustaining.
Binge
My alcohol consumption was the clearest sign of my depression. My slow reading pace was a more subtle sign. The amount of media I was consuming at home was the least obvious, to me at least. In addition to weekly … Continue reading
Dagobah
I think about this scene several times a day. I often feel like Luke does: “I don’t even know what we’re doing here! We’re wasting our time!” I’m reminded of the canard about depression being “anger turned inward.”
Cage
Despite my nagging nihilism, I am resolute about not making any irrevocable decisions. However, the words of Philip K. Dick still often come to mind: “A cage can be a home if you have the key.”
Apophenia
I have a nagging fear that any sense of meaning that any given human sees is, in fact, just an artifact of apophenia. Perhaps it’s time to reread Daniel Dennett‘s Breaking the Spell.
Sand
I find sand mandalas interesting as a meditation on beauty, transitoriness, and transitory beauty.
Approaches
I was mulling over the different approaches different people take to living, but slowly realized that most approaches can be used by both those who see meaning and those who don’t. Nihilism was the only approach that I could think … Continue reading
Meaning
I’ve been obsessing over the ambiguous meaning of the English word “meaning.” What does “meaning” mean? Intention? Significance? Importance? Consequence?
Killer
There is a quote, possibly from Kinky Friedman but usually misattributed to the barstool poet Charles Bukowski, that says, “Find something you love and let it kill you.”
Dream
I woke up from a dream where I had hit it off with a woman who had taken her retired parents to Disneyland and then she & I went grocery shopping while chatting about our favorite “30 Rock” episodes. I … Continue reading
Epilogue
Several lifetimes ago, I was at a gathering of people from Bel Air Presbyterian Church at a wealthy couple’s home. I believe the husband was a lawyer of some kind, but the most distinctive thing about him were his suspenders. … Continue reading
Wager
Rereading Frankl got me thinking about the the possibility that life may have meaning which is simply beyond my comprehension. I modified Pascal’s wager to clarify my thinking. To Be Not to Be Meaningless 0 0 Meaningful +x -x If … Continue reading
Interesting
In Mandarin, 意思 (yìsi) means “meaning.” 有意思 (yǒuyìsi) means “interesting” or “significant” but literally means “has meaning.”