Usually, I’m extremely careful with my words choices and always strive to select le mot juste. However, I realize that I’ve been sloppy by throwing the word “depression” around. Let me clarify.
Technically, “depression” is a flatness of affect where one feels demotivated and things that were once interesting now seem to hold no interest. As opposed to “despair” or “despondency” which is a sense of hopelessness and, for me, an obsession with life’s seeming meaninglessness.
I tend to vacillate between depression and despair. If I’m not being careful and mindful, I self-medicate with avoidant behavior — food or wine or watching TV all day or sleep or whatever — to take my mind off of my feelings. They are a distraction. A distraction from my depression or despair.
One of my (several) frustrations with A.A. and most 12 Step programs is the fixation on the substance as the enemy. I’m my own enemy. The avoidant behavior is merely the weapon I use against myself. I don’t really have a “weapon of choice.” If one isn’t handy, I’ll use another. (I’ve studied my Musashi, motherfuckers. A samurai should never grow attached to one particular sword.) The hard choice is not to fight.
I need to give diplomacy a chance.